Originally posted on Facebook on Tuesday, May 20, 2025.

A bad habit of mine wrecked many conversations before they had a chance to start—accusation.

I wish I had the wisdom and humility 20 years ago to say, “I have fears that cause me to interpret some of the things you do as proof that those fears are true,” rather than accusing others.

I tend to hold conclusions based on my observations and lead into conversations with them—until they’re disproven. While that works in science and sounds perfectly reasonable, it’s toxic for relationships. In science, you’re the one confirming or disproving a hypothesis based on new findings. In relationships, it comes off as an accusation—where you’ve put someone in a position to defend themselves before giving them any benefit of the doubt. It's cold, clinical and ungracious.

There’s also a kind of hubris in this approach: it assumes I’m completely objective in what I observe—but I’m not. Our fears skew our perspective, and it takes humility to admit that. It also requires the maturity to accept our limitations—there are always variables we can’t see.

“For what man knows the things of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?”
—1 Corinthians 2:11

Our fears aren’t always reality—but sometimes they are. If someone is doing something that bothers you, and you’re dealing with someone compassionate, starting with vulnerability, fears, humility and where I may be wrong can lead to a more constructive conversation—because it’s exploratory rather than accusatory.

I can’t go back in time, but the next best thing is to pay forward what I’ve learned. I pray it helps someone perfect their love.

#RightOrReconciled #perfectourlove #marriage #communication