Originally posted on Facebook on Thursday, November 13, 2025.

Honestly, I haven't really prayed in a while…

For the same reasons I don't like calling friends and family:

"I don't know what to say."

I am afflicted by a kind of dyslexia of thought.

There's a deep well of love and affection, but getting it to the surface takes tremendous effort. There's a near infinite chain of interlinked thought and sentiment where to pull anywhere in an attempt to extract a thought is to pull it all. Hardly anything ever comes out right.

My thoughts are often jumbled—not in an order that makes sense to most people or conveys the weight of what I want to give them. Throughout my life when I've tried to communicate, the reactions I've gotten—as though I'm weird or stupid—haven't felt great.

I'm constantly afraid I'm going to do or say the wrong thing—afraid I'm going to inadvertently offend someone or embarrass myself.

So I withdraw, even from God.

And I settle for small talk: reporting of facts and reactions about what's on the surface rather than having a real heart to heart. I hate it and actively avoid situations involving small talk.

Because another one of my afflictions is that I'm practical to a fault. I approach everything asking "What are we doing here? What do we hope to achieve? What's the purpose?", including talking.

I really don't understand casual conversation. I don't understand what it does for people. And if it's not accomplishing something, if I'm not doing something for you, what's the point?

I've been doing a Bible study that's challenged me on this. We were in the book of Daniel where I took note of the prayer life of Daniel. It revealed this: presence is the point.

God's presence does something. It is life.

Daniel persistently sought it.

And when we, who are created in the image of God, show up honestly and authentically—as He created us to be—it does something.

It never occurred to me on a heart level that anyone would want just me—that my just being there does anything—that my presence is a form of love.

I love God.

But, I haven't loved God in prayer.

I repent.

I haven't committed the time and effort to reach out and spend quality time with Him because it's been a struggle for me to show up authentically for fear of not coming across well or of it not accomplishing anything.

"But perfect love casts out fear." — 1 John 4:18

I will not be rejected, because He initiated the communication. He wants to be with me.

And what I see now in His love for me is it starts with presence.

Presence speaks volumes. We can get to everywhere from there.

It is a struggle, but that's part of love—overcoming resistance to reveal the beautiful Truth.

This has transformed how I have approached prayer: what it is, how to do it, and where to start—which I'll share later in more detail in "I don't know what to say" Part II.

#IDontKnowWhatToSay #prayer #heartwords